Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
