so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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