Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
