If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
