I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
