I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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