So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
