we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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