My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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