i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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