My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
that's an acceptable place to lick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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