just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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