gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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