I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
