Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
