i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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