I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize