non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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