I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
