just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
