So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Swine flu is the new snow day.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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