thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
