Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
