Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
