You're my little dorito
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
