She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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