Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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