He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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