my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
