yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
