Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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