I think scott just propositioned me for sex
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
