..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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