As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize