Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
