I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize