he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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