i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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