I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize