we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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