is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
