3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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