the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
