i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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