I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
