Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
