Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
