I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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