You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
