Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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