just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
