Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
