I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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