Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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