I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
