Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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