Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
