i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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