You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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