Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
