guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
