just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
