I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
